


Stupid

by yellow_craion



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Blood Drinking, Catholic Character, Child Abandonment, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Parental Magnus Bane, Protective Magnus Bane, Raphael Santiago Has Feelings, Religion, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-07-04 23:03:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15851232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellow_craion/pseuds/yellow_craion
Summary: requested by lewispanda:“Did you find what you were looking for?” “Yes.” “Was it worth it?” “No.” + Magnus and Raphael





	Stupid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lewispanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lewispanda/gifts).



> omg 'catholic guilt' is a tag xD sadly it doesn't actually apply but i will keep that in mind lol
> 
> also: i don't think i should write any more catholic characters if lewispanda asked me if this fic ends with rapha abandoning his faith xD sorry folks, i have issues

He comes to Magnus late at night, hollow and resigned.

 

"Raphael?"

 

He's scared that if he were to open his mouth, he'd completely shatter, so he just offers a jerky nod in a way of greeting and follows Magnus silently to the sofa to sit down.

 

Instead of joining him, the warlock gives him a moment and goes to the kitchen to prepare a pot of tea the old fashioned way. The long way.

 

That gesture alone is making Raphael's chest tighten inside. Which, he supposes, ruins the purpose of this exercise, if he's closer to tears now than on Magnus' doorstep.

 

He looks up at the clunking noise the tray with the pot and tea cups make when set down, only to notice a tall glass of blood among them.

 

He sniffs too loudly.

 

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

 

“Yes,” he mutters, while thinking 'no'. Because whatever he did find wasn't what he was looking for. What he wanted.

 

“Was it worth it?”

 

“No.”

 

"I'm sorry," Magnus lays his hand on Raphael's shoulder further from himself and pulls him close into a hug.

 

"Aren't you going to tell me 'I told you so'?"

 

"No. The road to self acceptance is hard enough, no need to rub it in your face."

 

Raphael nods silently against the warlock's chest.

 

There's a word to describe him. How he is. How he feels. And it's not 'broken' or 'bad' or 'a prude'.

 

Maybe.

 

He's still not sure.

 

There's so many new words that he's discovered thanks to Magnus, all of them swimming in his mind and making him dizzy.

 

He's been stupid and felt the need to go back to his church. The same that his mother used to take him before... But the nice priest he remembers, Father Paul that used to visit his home and ask after him and console his mama after his father had abandoned them, has been long gone. He's matured into a cold figure of authority, who barely let Raphael finish before talking of repentance and calling him an abomination.

 

Funny, that, since vampirism hasn't even come up.

 

Raphael shuts his eyes against the sting.

 

What was the point to train and to control himself? What was the point of dragging Magnus with him just so he could watch him burn himself on church grounds? Just so he could be rejected explicitly by the one person he used to think of as a father figure?

 

He wraps his arms around Magnus' waist, calling himself stupid in his mind. Silently, so he won't be berated for thinking badly of himself.

 

Magnus doesn't like that. He keeps telling Raphael how proud he is of him. All the progress he's made. How smart and loyal he is. How if and when he meets somebody, that person would be lucky to have Raphael in their life. Implication clear that the warlock is often talking about himself.

 

The word 'love' hasn't been uttered but that's exactly what Raphael feels each time he comes to Magnus.

 

What he's feeling right now, gulping past the lump in his throat as they both pretend he's not crying into Magnus' shirt, again.

 

In the end, he comes to one conclusion this night.

 

It really was stupid of him, going back there, looking for parental guidance when it's been right here next to him all along.

  
  
  
  



End file.
